The Gifts to Civility

ACCEPTANCE

Christmas is the season of gift giving; gifts given and received. In the acceptance of a gift there is an element of surprise. What could it be? Children have a wonderful way of taking the box and shaking it to try to figure out what it could be before they even open it.

On the journey to Civility, we learn to accept people, circumstances, and be open to whatever comes our way. “Acceptance in human psychology is a person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or a condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) that is a fait accompli without attempting to change it or protest it.” (Wikipedia) Acceptance is a journey marker, a stance of setting out.

The spiritual meaning is a conscious choice to drop all forms of resistance to whatever has come present in the moment, being with what is and making the most of it. Acceptance isn’t about judgement, i.e., liking or approving of something. It is about letting life flow and unfold without getting in the way.” (Wikipedia)

Today, let’s be and give the gift of acceptance. At the end of the day, jot down how you have both received and given this gift.

RESPECT

As a child growing up, I was taught to respect my elders. You referred to adults by title and when in the company of adults, you offered your seat if they have nowhere to sit. I was also told to respect things that are given to me. Take care of your toys and be respectful of other children’s’ toys you are playing with. Respect others property was also another value taught to me.

Today, I believe the gift of respect goes beyond what I have been taught as a child. My world is larger, and my mind and heart have been stretched in a deeper understanding of the power of respect. Each person brings value to the world. We all have a purpose, and we should treat all people and the world around us mindfully and with great respect, treating others with the same degree of respect as we would want to be treated by others.

Who is that person you find hard to respect? What gets in the way of you respecting him/her?

MINDFULNESS

Have you ever experienced driving a car and wondering how you ever got to where you were going? It’s happened to me a few times and it can be quite an alarming moment. The Oxford Dictionary says that mindfulness is: “a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.”

Additionally, Thich Nhat Hanh, a noted Buddhist Monk, wrote: “People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don’t even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child—our own two eyes. All is a miracle.”

Wherever you go today, be mindful of your surroundings, the people you meet. Try looking in the eyes of another person you encounter, asking how they are and give them a smile from your heart.

CURIOSITY

As a professional coach, I often ask my clients to be curious – to explore the what, the why, and what if. Curiosity as a behavior and emotion, is the driving force behind human growth and development, such as developments in science, language, technology, and industry. It can be the impetus that invites us to expand our understanding and when doing so, to perhaps love more deeply without judgement, and create something new.

What do you find yourself curious about in your day-to-day experiences and interactions?

I invite you to take some time today to delve a bit deeper into your curiosity about a particular situation that relates to civility. What do you come up with?

LISTEN

Have you experienced a time when someone was not just hearing what you said but really listening to you? What was it like?

What prevents us from doing a good job of listening is that instead of focusing on what the other is saying, we focus on ourselves and our own needs and just hearing what we receive as information. I’m sure you experienced a conversation when you were sharing a memorable moment, and someone chimes in with a story of their own experience. They have the need to steal the limelight so to speak.

We need to practice effective listening. Listening is not easy that is why I use the operative word – practice. As a human being, we want others to listen to us. In his book, Choosing Civility, P.M. Forni writes, “In the midst of a culture that glorifies indulgent self-expression, we may find it difficult to attend patiently to the words of others. It may not occur to us that when we find the strength to engage in considerate listening we are in fact expressing ourselves at our best.” What would happen, what are the potential consequences if we became a family, a community, a country, a world of effective listeners?

LOVE

We all have a need to love as well as a need to be loved. I am writing here about the love that can transform, heal, and create. It is a powerful force. Martin Luther King said once that “Love is the only powerful force capable of turning an enemy into friend.”

We hear stories about transforming love and we get emotional when watching a movie about love transforming.

Look for an opportunity to give love this Christmas. Who is the enemy that you would like to turn into friend? Consider the various ways you could begin to do this.

WELCOME

During this Christmas tide, we may find ourselves welcoming family and friends to celebrate with us. The act of welcoming is to invite the entire person, their hopes, fears, ideas, beliefs, needs, etc. into our hearts. Sometimes those we have known for years can still be a stranger. Too often we set boundaries on what we can talk about. What boundaries have you set that get in the way of welcoming someone unconditionally?

A variety of circumstances happening in our country and around the world have made us superficial. Our conversations can be stifled because we don’t have the energy to deal with differing opinions. We close ourselves off out of fear. Whenever we welcome another point of view, we learn something new that can begin to change our own point of view.

Who is the person with a differing point of view you want to be receptive to so you can welcome that person into your heart without conditions?

KINDNESS

I wrote in my third blog on Civility about “Random Acts of Kindness.” A few years ago, a dear friend of mine gave me a meaningful gift for Christmas. It was a plain wooden plaque and on it was carved a stick figure cat. You can only imagine my reaction. At first I was perplexed, but this plaque has come to have deep meaning for me, and it is hung over the door to the entrance of my dining room. The cat tells a story. Let me share it with you:

It’s the “Story of the Kind-Hearted Woman”
When hobos were common to the American experience, they had a vocabulary of easy-to-understand signs, chalked or scratched on pavement or fence posts in front of houses to advise or warn off those amongst their ranks who might follow. The simple cat was used to identify the dwelling of a “Kind-Hearted Woman.” Someone who would share nourishment and perhaps shelter.

How might you as a kind-hearted person manifest kindness to those you come across your path today that need your kindness?

PERSERVERANCE

There is a beautiful story of a young boy standing on the edge of the shore surrounded by starfish swept up by the tide. One by one he takes each starfish and throws it back into the sea. The task is daunting; but nevertheless, he perseveres to save as many as he can. Clarissa Pinkola Estes an author writes, “Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely.”

So often we become overwhelmed with the lack of civility we observe in the world, and we wonder how we can make a difference. It takes perseverance. One small step at a time is all it takes on the journey to civility.

Wrap yourself in the cloak of perseverance. Start acting on that which you care about.

In the quiet of your heart, name that which you care about and begin to act. Don’t wait for tomorrow, start today.

SILENCE

Silence in itself has extreme strength and yet we ignore its importance because we may be afraid of it or intimidated by it.. Noise is one of the most pervasive and intrusive occurrences that is disruptive and jolting to the human spirit. Our daily lives are inundated with noise. It could be a neighbor playing loud music late at night, the sound of a lawnmower and leaf blower early on a weekend morning, a passing car blasting a boom box that jolts and shakes one’s body, the sound of a motorcycle running late at night, someone talking on their cell phone on a bus, waiting room, or in a restaurant. These are just some examples. I’m quite sure you can add more to this short list. More importantly, what does silence have to do with Civility?

The practice of silence is a language in and of itself. Silence provides space wherein we are given clarity. We need silence to heal and repair the brokenness inside ourselves and the rest of the world. It is the bridge to our souls. Through silence, we can enter into the process of discernment which will bring clarity and understanding to our efforts in creating a world of civility.

I challenge you to begin a practice of silence. Start with just one, two or three minutes. Don’t struggle with interruptions just let them flow in and out. Your intention in the practice is what matters. Soon your few minutes become 5, 10, or even 20. A deeper interior voice within you begins to speak to you inside the silence. It can be a truly awesome experience you begin to welcome.

GRATITUDE

Dr. Robert A. Emmons, a leading scientific expert on gratitude, defines gratitude as having two parts: “(1) affirming goodness in one’s life and (2) recognizing that the sources of this goodness lie at least partially outside the self.” This tells us that the source of gratitude is richer and deeper and lies in a reality that is both within one’s interior life and outside it. It is so much more than the heart’s verbal statement – thank you.

The spiritual discipline of gratitude is an action of the heart and one’s very being. It is not just experienced, but also expressed. As a spiritual action, the discipline of gratitude is practiced not just because it feels good, but because it’s the right thing to do and more. It is a moral virtue. Gratitude indeed becomes a personal way of being. When I live in gratitude I take nothing for granted. I can begin to make sense of my past, live today in peace, and create a vision for tomorrow.

In the words of Thomas Merton, “One of the most important – and most neglected – elements in the beginnings of an interior life is the ability to respond to reality, to see the value and the beauty in ordinary things, to come alive to the splendor that is all around us.” Gratitude is part of reality.

Take the time to think about a person to whom you often take what they do for granted. Make a sincere effort to show your gratitude to him/her. What might constitute that effort?

WONDER

The year was 1996 and I traveled to Haiti with a small group from our parish community to visit our sister church in Bassin Bleu. We arrived in Port-au-Prince and traveled by an old Range Rover to our destination. Along the way, I found myself wondering about each new sight that caught my attention. The children standing along the edge of the road, the rice fields, the small huts for homes, the military police at stop points were just a few sights that gave me pause. What especially awakened my wonder was the star -studded sky in an area of complete darkness. No street lights, no lights from houses just a huge black sky studded with the most radiant stars. Amidst all the devastation, poverty, and fear, I found this sky to be the most beautiful that I have ever seen. What was the message here for me? It was like an epiphany feast right before my eyes. An astonishment of the glorious creator.

Today, I wonder about our lack of civility in the world. It hits me in the face when I turn on the news, when I read the paper, when I come in contact with people whose beliefs and convictions are so different from mine. The three wise men traveling by way of the north star probably spent their whole journey in a state of wonder.

Abraham Joshua Heschel in his book, “God in Search of Man,” claims that wonder is a key emotion in living a worthy life. In order for this to happen, the person seeking to live a life of civility will see the world as the Creator’s doing and do all they can to protect it.

As you look up at the stars, spend several minutes in sheer wonderment of yourself being a glorious manifestation of the Creator of all creation.

PRESENCE

I hope you were able to embrace these twelve gift of civility during this Christmas tide. These gifts are yours to keep. Cherish them and from time to time open them up and contemplate how they can be expressed and remain alive in your daily life.

There is one word that I believe captures all of these gifts into one. That word is “Presence.” Think about it. All these gifts encapsulate one’s “way of being” and “being there for another.” In other words, it manifests how we show up in the world. Recall a time in which someone showed up for you and was present to you and the situation you were in. Reflect on how the act of presence made a significant difference and changed the way you felt about your situation. A friend of mine reminds me never to underestimate the power of presence.

The practice of civility can help us develop a deeper understanding of one another’s’ beliefs, values, opinions, and perspectives, which can reduce misunderstanding, bias, disputes and conflict. It can bring healing where there is hurt and compassion where there is hate.

I invite you to go back and open the gift that you might find most challenging to practice. Keep working at it. Practice makes perfect so it is said.

To sum this all up, “Choose Civility” and do your part in being a “Presence” that transforms the world.